My absence is fully explained by my dedication to family and school. This journey upon which I’ve embarked is fraught with nonsense and difficult work. And it will be worth it when I reach that goal. The other day I had an “oh my gosh” moment when I was gathering information and getting ready to submit paperwork to potential preceptors for my practicums beginning next year in the summer.
‘I’m really doing this! I’m really going to be a Nurse Practitioner!” Then the self-doubt started. Chest constricting doubt. And anxiety. I think I never felt this as much in my undergraduate studies. The reason is likely related to the investment, both financially and emotionally.
I’m scared of what I don’t know. I’m anxious about what I have to learn and how I’ll learn it. Self-directed study is not as easy as just reading and re-reading material. During my first week of classes back in June I sent my father, a life-long educator, a message. “I can’t believe how much reading I have to do!” His return message offered encouragement, but a dose of reality. “Graduate school is supposed to be harder. But it will be worth it.” That was his brand of advise…he said something very similar at my wedding reception in 1995.
Which brings me to another sad point. At the very end of my first quarter of graduate school, my dad lost his battle with Stage IV gastric carcinoma that had spread to his liver, brain, and lungs. He was hoping to make it to his 60th birthday, January 27, 2015, but he got pneumonia and succumbed to his illness on August 28, 2014. I am more motivated than ever to stay this course so I can honor him and make him proud.
Here is a link to the school’s site honoring him.